BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN
We got off the Titanic first. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. We can cry and get off speeding fines. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. Taxis stop for us. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free moving (you get the point). We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay. We can hug our friend without wondering if WE'RE gay. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. We have the ability to dress ourselves and match. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonder bra. >We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN TOO
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He's mad at me." You don't mooch off other's desserts. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
No comments:
Post a Comment