Strengthen Your Boundries

How To Strengthen Your Boundaries
By Margot Zaher and Jafree Ozwald

How strong are your boundaries with others? Do you let people walk all over you? Do you know what behaviors are unacceptable to you, and how to take a stance to protect yourself? A boundary is an imaginary fence or border that you construct between yourself and other people that they may not penetrate. Boundaries are a healthy way of protecting yourself from other people's actions or behaviors. Once you set a boundary, it is your role to guard against trespassers, those that attempt to violate your boundary.

Why are boundaries so important?

Having strong healthy boundaries is key to attracting success into your life! People are strongly attracted to those that know their boundaries and demand that other people respect them. This is because people enjoy knowing where they stand with somebody, and what the other person desires. Also, if you respect yourself by establishing strong boundaries, other people will naturally respect you. As a result, you will attract more people to you that can support you, and your business.

Strong boundaries will make you more effective, increasing your levels of productivity. Most people waste tons of time due to weak boundaries. For instance, they spend time doing things for other people out of resentment because they do not know how to say "no". Or they may get hooked into wasting time chit-chatting with their clients because they do not have any boundaries set with regards their time. You are in charge of how you manage your time, and you are responsible for telling other people that you are busy and need to move on. So I challenge you to set strong time boundaries with your clients. My boundary is that clients cannot work with me after 6pm in the evening. Another good time boundary could be "I do not spend more than 2 hours with each of my clients." The more you set your boundaries, the more people will respect your time. As a result, you will have more time in which to accomplish desired tasks.

Reinforcing boundaries will improve your emotional state. Many people's level of effectiveness is eroded by anger and rage against others. How many times have you worked for a boss that has yelled at you at the drop of a hat? Anger keeps people from effectively functioning around you because they become afraid of you, and want to run away. Some of this anger is caused by weak boundaries. Anger is a natural reaction to a boundary being crossed because it stems from the primal instinct of self preservation. When we are in danger, we either fight or run. So, when somebody has crossed our boundaries or entered into a zone that feels psychologically or physically dangerous, a typical reaction may be anger. Therefore, feelings of anger often signal that a boundary has been crossed. So whom are you angry at? This person has undoubtedly crossed your boundaries and you may not even be aware of it. I encourage you to use anger as a guide to discovering where your boundaries may need reinforcing. Once you reinforce your boundaries with others, you can shift from anger and frustration to feelings of peace and self-assurance. When you stand up for yourself, you feel good about who you are being in the world, making it easier to interact with your fellow human beings.

Importantly, setting strong boundaries is a way of loving and caring for yourself. If you do not take a stand for yourself, nobody else will. Without boundaries you are prone to everybody else's whims and desires, and your identity and needs can get lost. So creating boundaries is vital for creating a strong sense of self, and a life you love!!

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Action Steps to Success

1. Choose one area of your life where you would like to strengthen your boundaries. Perhaps it is in the area of romance, work, community service, family, etc...

2. Make a list of 5 boundaries that you would like to enforce in this area of your life. Be sure to use wording that is strong such as require, must, cannot, no one may do X, etc. Some good examples include, "no one may play practical jokes on me", "you cannot yell at me", and "I require that you give me at least 24 hours notice if you cancel our appointment together".

3. Determine what you will say or do if someone challenges your boundaries. You need a plan of action to reinforce your boundaries or you will let them slide. Some possible options are to inform the person that your boundary has been crossed, request that your boundary be respected, demand that they stop that behavior, or leave if the person is not respecting your boundary.

4. Sit down and share with each person involved your new boundaries, and how you will enforce these boundaries. Remember to share your new boundaries in a loving and caring way, and not with anger. Some people may be tempted to use boundaries as a way to get even with someone. This attitude will only get you into a power struggle, and will not help you create more success.

5. Be mentally prepared for someone that may push back and ask you to change back to your previous weaker boundaries. Watch out for people who are testing your commitment to your boundaries. If you hold strong despite the provocation of others, people will soon accept and even begin to appreciate your new boundaries.

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